Last updated September 25, 2026
The Fine Print
The rest of this website is a joke. This page is the part that isn’t: the actual rules for anything you buy from the Cult of Thunder.
Refunds
The official position of the Cult: Thunder does not do refunds.
The actual policy:
- Eternal Salvation™ membership: if you were charged for a renewal you didn’t want, ask within 14 days of the charge and you’ll get a full refund. Otherwise, cancel anytime (see below) and you won’t be charged again.
- Decade of Salvation™: a one-time $600 payment that covers 10 years and never renews. If you bought it by accident or regret it, ask within 14 days for a full refund.
- Prepaid Eternity™: a one-time $4,680 payment that covers 78 years and never renews. If you bought it by accident or regret it, ask within 14 days for a full refund. After that, you are saved whether you like it or not.
- Merch: everything is made to order. If your item arrives damaged, defective or wrong, tell us within 30 days and we’ll replace it or refund it. We can’t take back items just because you changed your mind, so double-check your size.
- Pamphlet (PDF): digital downloads can’t be returned. If the file doesn’t work, we’ll fix it or refund you.
- The Offering Plate: offerings are voluntary and non-refundable, unless you gave one by mistake. Ask within 14 days.
- $1,000 hand-delivery: if you picked it by accident, we’ll refund the difference. If you picked it on purpose, Thunder will be there.
Cancelling Your Membership
Go to the member portal and enter the email address you paid with. Stripe will email you a sign-in link. From there you can cancel, update your card or download receipts.
When you cancel, your salvation stays active until the end of the year you already paid for, and it won’t renew. After that you are returned to Bronze.
Shipping & Pickup
- We ship within the United States only.
- Merch is made to order. Allow 1–2 weeks for it to be made, plus mailing time.
- Local pickup is free. Thunder will reach out to arrange a time and place.
- Hand-delivery by Thunder is $1,000 and is exactly what it sounds like.
Terms
The Cult of Thunder is a parody and a fan club for a group of friends. It is not a religious organization, and it does not provide any spiritual, religious or professional services.
The Eternal Salvation™ membership is a novelty product. It includes the joke, a printable certificate and bragging rights. It does not include actual salvation, guaranteed wins, better aim, or any promise that Thunder will carry you in real life (he will try).
Memberships renew automatically every year at $60 until you cancel. Prices are in US dollars. Payments are processed by Stripe. By making a purchase, you agree to these terms.
Privacy
Payments are processed by Stripe; we never see or store your card number. We receive your name, email address and shipping address only so we can deliver your order and manage your membership. We don’t sell or share your information with anyone.
This website doesn’t use tracking or advertising cookies. The only thing it remembers, in your own browser, is how many times you’ve summoned Thunder.
Contact
Questions, problems or sizing regrets? Email support@cultofthunder.com, or message Thunder directly. You know where to find him.
For refunds or anything order-related, include the email address you paid with so we can find your order.